My "Fat" Story

Scale woes

My good friend Tom is in town this week, (Tom is "Time-of-the-month".) which means the scale will be creeping up over the next few days whether I want it to or not. My current weight is 225 lbs (some of it water weight) that's up 2 lbs from 2 days ago. I usually gain about 5 lbs during this time and lose the 5 lbs in the two days AFTER. Since the end of the year is drawing near, and hitting my goal is crucial to starting 2010 off right, I'm somewhat nervous about December.

I'm going to try something different with Tom this month. I'm going to resist the urge to eat not-so-clean food during those 5 days. I'm going to FORCE myself to drink at least 100oz of water daily and I'm going to EXERCISE LIKE A DEMON. I am determined to see the scale NOT go up in these 5 days, even though it's supposed to. In my way of thinking, which is so not scientific, if the scale doesn't go up as much as it usually does, then I will have an easier time dropping a significant amount of weight AFTER my cycle. Meaning, for example, if I drop a good 2 lbs of fat during my period, but the scale stays the same due to water weight, then not only will the scale read 5 lbs lighter from my highest "period" weight, but it will read 7 lbs lighter, due to the fat loss. I'll be a real bad ass if I lost 3 lbs of fat.

My goal was to be 222 lbs. As I said, it's 225 lbs. Thanks, nature. But, Nature, get ready to have your ass handed to you. You're about to be manipulated. I REFUSE TO LOSE.

Just floating through life wondering

If I'll ever have a boyfriend.

If I'll ever really know what it's like to cuddle.

If I'll ever get to my goal weight.

If I'm ever make real friends, not just computer ones.

If I'll be "acceptable" once I lose a certain amount of weight.

If people I know now will treat me differently once they deem me attractive.

If I'll ever get to see the world.

If I have the courage to really fight to the end.

If I'll ever feel sexy.

If there's someone who actually has me on their mind right now.

If crying as often as I do is normal.

If God really exists.

If I'll hurt my family by leaving them behind.

If I should have chosen a different major in college.

If I'll stop fearing rejection.

If I'll waste my life living in a box because i never did stop fearing rejection.

If my life adds value to the world.

If I'll ever talk to my Chris again.

If I'll stop living inside my head.

If this is just a phase.

If there are millions of people who feel as alone as I do.

If there's anyone reading this.

Just me

I'll show myself that I'm worth so much more than what I've allowed. I'll be a friend to myself when I'm the only friend visible. No one can appreciate me or respect me more than I can. I am all I have and all I need.

On to the next one: 224 lbs

I can not believe that just this month, I was griping about still being in the 230s since July. It's now the last day of November, and I'm plowing my way out of the 220s already. Well, maybe I shouldn't speak so soon, but I've lost about 5 lbs in the last half of November! Hot Dayum! That just shows the capabilities of the human body once the mind is on board. I'm not doing anything special. I just promised myself I would not allow myself to lose these last months of 2009 to laziness and poor decision making. So far, I've proven to be a real bad-ass.

This morning, I weighed in at 226 lbs. That's down from 229 lbs just last Saturday. Since I weigh myself and record my morning weight daily, I didn't notice the day to day changes, but to look back a whole 7 days and see my progress is so encouraging. All I have to do is keep this up.

My goal for next Saturday is to weigh in at 224 lbs. I can't believe it. I'm nearly halfway done with the 220s already and it's not yet December. If I can hit this next Saturday, which I'm going to try my damnedest to do, I will have the 210s in my sights and once I reach them, what a high that would send me on to finish out 2009! My revised ultimate year-end goal is to weigh LESS than 220 lbs. Anything less than 220 lbs will satisfy me! (When I started this journey, my goal was to weigh less than 200 lbs by the end of 2009. Due to a longer than expected plateau, I had to revise my goal in order to achieve weight loss at a healthy pace.) From where I currently stand, all it takes is a nice healthy weight loss pace thanks to good decision making. I can do that. I REFUSE to slip up and find myself trying to lose 6 or 7 lbs in the last 10 days of December.

I can't wait to see what hard work looks like. Stay tuned, gals!

My Important Weight Loss Tools

Words to Live By...

Show self-control and restraint.
Have discipline and work hard.
Make good decisions.
A short term sacrifice is a long term gain.

I am the change agent in my life.

I am the creator of my reality.

Hooked on Food

Hooked on Food

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9. The Legendary Michael Jackson: Thank You!!!

8. FAT STORIES: Life's a Bench

I was sitting on the backless bench in the magazine area of Barnes and Noble one day, reading quite a fascinating book, the Alchemist. Now if you know B and N, you'll know the magazine section carries a lot of foot traffic, but I'm usually content to sit on the bench and read my book(s) as people walk by or in front of me. I'm usually immersed in my book, thus not distracted.

But one day last week, I noticed a strange occurrence and I wondered if it has anything to do with my size. A younger white guy sat down on the bench where I was sitting, and it wasn't that he sat down, it was how he sat down. I always sit on the very end of the bench, about 5-6 feet in length, as to leave enough space for anyone else to sit. Well said white guy sat down not at the end, but at the VERY end of the bench and was noticeably, but slightly turned away from me. So I thought, "Hmph... that's strange. Well, maybe that's just how he likes to sit." I thought it was weird, but certainly no big deal So I kept reading... UNTIL THE NEXT DAMN GUY SAT DOWN!! I mean, not even 15 minutes after the last guy got up, here comes a second white guy, with his magazine in hand, sitting down as if the bench is covered in vomit and his ass found the only dry place on the very edge of the bench. He, too, was turned opposite me. Now I'm thinking, "This is one hell of a coincidence. Or it might be just me they don't want to sit next to."

When it happened the next day and the next day, and I realize that it was a different guy every time, I began to feel self-conscious. And then a little bit sad, because it's instances like these that remind me that to the majority of people, I am nothing but a package, a body, and if that package isn't pretty, I essentially am of little value. My tipping point came today, when this young couple sat down, first the guy, ALLLLLL the way at the opposite end of the bench, then the female, I presume to be his girlfriend. Now get this, there was a HUGE gap in the middle, but she took her ass to the opposite end around him and I heard her say, "scoot over" as if to say, "I don't want to sit in that gap there, because it's next to the fat black lady. I'd rather sit on the edge here, with my left ass cheek hanging off." He inched over, so both of them sat squished up at the end. I wanted to say, "I don't bite, you f*cktards!" I stood up and walked away instead.

I might be over reacting. I might all be on big coincidence that occurs on a near daily basis in bookstores around the world. It could be all in my head. I could be ultra sensitive. Those are all (unlikely) possibilities. But the feeling I get when people sit next to me is not one that gives me the "warm and fuzzies." It makes me resent public opinion and I feel... Undesirable. Somewhat freak show-ish even. What people think doesn't play a role in who I am or who I will ultimately become, but their inadvertent body language still hurts my ego.

I don't believe I'll be sitting on the magazine benches for a while.

7. Belief and Expectation: I bleed GREATNESS!

There used to be a time in this weight loss journey, that I would be amazed at my success. The mere fact that I met weight loss goals for 3 consecutive weeks was somewhat mind blowing. It sounds silly but it's true. But after those first 3 weeks, something peculiar happened. Hitting my weekly goals (or coming very close to them) became the norm and the expectation.

I can remember the days when I would set goals, and know, as I was writing them, that I would not reach them. It's pretty sad. I'd write the goals down in my journals. Program them into my blackberry. Write them on my wall calendar. The benchmark days came and went, as they always do. The pounds...well they stayed. And at the end of each month, when I saw that I didn't reach my goal, I used it as an excuse to stay fat. As an excuse to keep doubting and downing myself. An excuse to be mediocre. My self-talk was negative and so was my outlook, not only on weight loss, but on life.

They say hindsight is 20/20 and I can certainly attest to that. I realize now, that what I was missing back then was the belief that I could succeed. What did it matter that I wrote my goals down in three separate places? I knew I wasn't going to achieve them anyway. But 2009 is the year of expectation. I set a goal believing I can reach it, thus ushering in the expectation that I will reach it. It's really a beautiful relationship, belief and expectation.

By creating meaningful reasons for losing this weight, I've come to believe that I deserve ALL the things I want, and that attaining these things are very possible. Among these reasons are living longer, running faster, falling in love and taking more risks in life. As a result, I hold myself in higher esteem. In fact, I dare myself to set a weight loss goal, and doubt my ability to reach it. I'd slap myself, then say, "Wake up, fool! It's already yours. You just have to go over and GRAB it!!!"

This is what I honestly believe, and it doesn't just apply to weight loss. Because I am knocking my goals off one by one, with ease, and witnessing the awakening of the sleeping giant that is the power within me, the little peep hole of possibility has now become a gaping hole of probability. It is no longer, "I wish." The phrase is "I will." I will reach my goal weight. I will turn heads. I will move to New York. I will write a novel. I will be happy. I will be great. I will live my life in it's FULLNESS. Along the way, I look forward to the task of turning obstacles into opportunities.

And all this time, I was the only person standing in my way.

6. Before And After #2: Still Chuggin' Along...

I am so glad that I had the bright idea to document my weight loss (for the world to see!). Not only does this keep me accountable, but it will be something I can point to as a major accomplishment in my life. Looking at my latest Before/After video, I guess I have no choice but to notice the changes that my body is making. From week to week, I admit, they aren't that noticeable. But when compared 2 and 3 months apart, it has to be said that I am most definitely doing my thing.

Some days are tough. Some entire weeks are tough. But seeing my hard work manifested in physical improvements, coupled with emotional tranquility, it makes this journey worthwhile. I'm basically getting to know my capabilities for the first time, and sometimes I wonder what the hell took me so long to get this ball rolling! I mean, I could have had a lot more fun in college!

Even still, I'll take this journey now over next year. Because the truth is, it's only now that I am equipped to put forth the qualities that makes the completion of this journey possible. Dedication, hard work, persistence, appreciation of success, forgiveness of failures and love for oneself.

It's in this journey that I'm learning that my true value lies within me.

5: Eat Less + Move More = Weight Loss, Carbs or no carbs.

When starting on a new exercise and diet program, it's easy to become obsessed with the numbers: Am I getting enough grams of protein? How many ounces of water should I be drinking for my weight? I wonder if 30 minutes of exercise is even good enough. The list goes on.

However, a study published this year by the New England Journal of Medicine helped to assuage some of those concerns that ultimately don't have that great of an impact (not by themselves, anyway). The study stated that in order for a person to lose weight and successful keep the lost pounds at bay, he or she simply needs to cut down on the calories consumed and burn more calories via exercise. Protein to carb ratio matters not. Just eat fewer calories than your body burns in a day, do this on a very regular basis and weight loss will be a welcome side effect. Below this post is a video that addresses the study in more detail.

Upon reading the article which contained the information regarding this study, one part of me said, "Well, duh! I already knew that much!" But the other part of me was relieved that I could still indulge in a cookie every once in a while... and still lose weight.

To that I say, "Whew!"

4: I've got my own weight loss easy button.

Although I wish I had realized this, say, 5 or 6 years ago, 2009 has ushered in the realization of EASY. Easy weight loss, that is. In my brief 25 years of existence, I've been overweight for at least 15 of those years and have attempted to diet and or lose weight countless times.

You know how it goes: You decide you need to lose weight. You get all pumped up. You change how you eat (probably eating very little food altogether). You begin getting active. You're still motivated. A week goes by. You haven't lost 10 lbs. You're disappointed that your hard work isn't "paying off". You're now VERY deflated and defeated. You conclude "This is pointless." You eat your junk and settle on the couch eventually. You wonder if you're just doomed to fatness forever, and probably take another bite of your Little Debbie snack. At least that's how it went for me.

That was then.

Somehow, this year, I had the grand epiphany and it actually stuck: Whether it was 1 month, 2 months, or 2 years, time would go by whether I did anything to improve myself or not. By realizing that time would, in fact, tick by without the least bit of concern for my weight problems, I decided to make sure time was on my team, and no longer my adversary. Here are 3 ways in which I made sure the defeating and time wasting cycles of my past don't win again:

1. I set mini goals that I constantly remind myself of. My habits of old didn't allow for me to make achievable goals. I focused on the end result and ONLY the end result. I didn't spend time planning how I would get there, I just assumed I would. Boy, was I wrong. This time around, I don't even dare to THINK about the end result. I focus on the week ahead and meeting only that goal. I may look ahead to the remaining weeks in the month, but I am vigilant about reminding myself that if I don't meet the goals directly in front of me, I can just kiss my mid-term and long-term goals goodbye.
2. I take pictures consistently to look back at the time I've made valuable use of. There was a time when I was afraid to take pictures, due to just how fat I was. Now, I'm afraid not to. Each Saturday, whether I want to or not, I take a picture of myself. Here's a perfect example: Today, I weigh 246 lbs. Even though that's still an incredible amount of weight I know that number will continue to be reduced. How? Because two months ago today, I weighed 264 lbs. A whole 18 lbs lost in two months time is remarkable, compared to what I've done in the past. The scale shows a number, but the pictures tell the real story. Those pictures show me that I've made good use of my time
3. I don't expect time to work a miracle. I simply expect it to give me what I work for. So far it has. When I look in the mirror, and see that my waist is narrower, or that my face is shrinking, my alliance with time grows stronger. I used to feel like a failure if I didn't see drastic changes in a short time frame. Commercials that promise a 30 lb weight loss in 30 days don't help either. In a society when we can get almost anything we want exactly when we want it, it's only natural to think weight loss works the same way. I'm learning that losing 2 lbs in a week is a HUGE accomplishment, not something to be disappointed by.
   

I'm not going to tell you that losing 100 lbs is a breeze. It's not. Going to the gym when you're upset about life is difficult. Choosing to grab a banana from a basket that rests next to a dozen Krispy Kreme donuts is difficult. But losing weight, pound by pound, becomes a whole lot easier when I remember to use that easy button.

And that button, which works hand in hand with time, is called patience.

3. WEIGHT LOSS TO DATE: Before and After #1

From January '09 to March '09, I went from 274 lbs to 258 for a loss of 16 lbs. I did notice right away that I looked much less bloated. I must say, it feels great to see your efforts pay off, even if it's just a small difference. A 1,000 mile journey starts with a single step.

2: "It's the Journey that counts"

1: INAUGURAL POST: Weight Won't Win

Losing weight can be a life long challenge for many people. Sometimes weight wins, sometimes people win. And sometimes, people win, then weight makes a comeback... literally. I'm one of those people who have never learned how to beat weight until now. So far in my quest to lose over 100 lbs, I'm whooping weight's booty with a 25 lb advantage (which is really a loss of 25 lbs!). So far, so good.

I hope you choose to walk with me on this winding road, in my search for health, self-acceptance and long life.