My "Fat" Story

Scale woes

My good friend Tom is in town this week, (Tom is "Time-of-the-month".) which means the scale will be creeping up over the next few days whether I want it to or not. My current weight is 225 lbs (some of it water weight) that's up 2 lbs from 2 days ago. I usually gain about 5 lbs during this time and lose the 5 lbs in the two days AFTER. Since the end of the year is drawing near, and hitting my goal is crucial to starting 2010 off right, I'm somewhat nervous about December.

I'm going to try something different with Tom this month. I'm going to resist the urge to eat not-so-clean food during those 5 days. I'm going to FORCE myself to drink at least 100oz of water daily and I'm going to EXERCISE LIKE A DEMON. I am determined to see the scale NOT go up in these 5 days, even though it's supposed to. In my way of thinking, which is so not scientific, if the scale doesn't go up as much as it usually does, then I will have an easier time dropping a significant amount of weight AFTER my cycle. Meaning, for example, if I drop a good 2 lbs of fat during my period, but the scale stays the same due to water weight, then not only will the scale read 5 lbs lighter from my highest "period" weight, but it will read 7 lbs lighter, due to the fat loss. I'll be a real bad ass if I lost 3 lbs of fat.

My goal was to be 222 lbs. As I said, it's 225 lbs. Thanks, nature. But, Nature, get ready to have your ass handed to you. You're about to be manipulated. I REFUSE TO LOSE.

Just floating through life wondering

If I'll ever have a boyfriend.

If I'll ever really know what it's like to cuddle.

If I'll ever get to my goal weight.

If I'm ever make real friends, not just computer ones.

If I'll be "acceptable" once I lose a certain amount of weight.

If people I know now will treat me differently once they deem me attractive.

If I'll ever get to see the world.

If I have the courage to really fight to the end.

If I'll ever feel sexy.

If there's someone who actually has me on their mind right now.

If crying as often as I do is normal.

If God really exists.

If I'll hurt my family by leaving them behind.

If I should have chosen a different major in college.

If I'll stop fearing rejection.

If I'll waste my life living in a box because i never did stop fearing rejection.

If my life adds value to the world.

If I'll ever talk to my Chris again.

If I'll stop living inside my head.

If this is just a phase.

If there are millions of people who feel as alone as I do.

If there's anyone reading this.

Just me

I'll show myself that I'm worth so much more than what I've allowed. I'll be a friend to myself when I'm the only friend visible. No one can appreciate me or respect me more than I can. I am all I have and all I need.