I've been away, I know!!!

Hey ladies.

Thanks so much for subscribing to my blog and sharing my life with me.

I'd like to share this blog with my followers. I found this post that really intrigued me and I just wanted to share it.

http://dearblackgirl.com/2010/12/23/look-in-the-mirror-black-girl/

I plan to continue posting here. I just have to get my weight moving in the right direction.

Thanks for your continued support!

I want some Oreos

A whole bunch of them.

EDIT (1 week after original post): I had some oreos today. The experience was rather anticlimactic. Kinda like sex with no apex. VERY MUCH like sex with no apex.

A Reason to Change: SO MY HATEFUL SISTER WILL BE ALONE IN HER FATNESS.

DISCLAIMER: My sister's name is Valarie. She weighs 275 lbs. Our relationship is quite pathetic and she's not someone who's shown herself to be empathetic. Rather she's proven herself to be quite self-centered and ungrateful. My views about her may or my not change depending on the nature of our relationship at any given time, but I expect my general feelings toward her to remain negative until she makes a fundamental shift in regards to the person she is and how she treats people as a result.

Why do I want my sister to be "alone" in fatness? In light of our recent flare ups, it seems as though Valarie has found solice in calling me "Fat." See, that's what's always happened. Whenever we argued, she calls me every name she can think of. Fat bitch. Bald-headed bitch. Lonely ass weirdo. Yes. This is my only sister who does this. Now that I've told her it's time to get her health together and to set some good examples for her two young children, she accused of being on a "skinny trip." "You're still fat, Vicki" she said, "Like me!"

Let me give you a little bit of background. If you have been following me you'll know I've lost my fair share of weight in 2009. 61 lbs to be exact. I went from weighing MORE than what she weighs now to weighing almost a whole 60 less than her currently. Yet she still calls me "fat like her." That's mind boggling to me. By this time next year, I'm going to be at least 100 lbs lighter than she will be. I know this, because she's not going to lose any weight. She just doesn't have the gumption. And I know that only death will stop me. I often wonder: Who will she call fat then?

I don't have a problem with being called fat by her or anyone, because it's true. I am. But the "like me" part reaaaaally irks me. No, Valarie, I'm NOT fat like you. See I have a different kind of fat. My fat is jogging 5 days a week while yours is sitting on the couch watching the Real Housewives of Atlanta re-runs and being fed greasy grossness. It's like she would feel better if I was truly as fat as she still is. It's like she's really saying, "Vicki, don't lose weight and look good. You should be 280 lbs and now you're 218! Don't get smaller on me because I don't want you to outshine me! I don't want you to wear the clothes I wish I could wear. I don't want you to get attention you've never gotten before. I don't want family and friends to rave over your new figure, while I'm forced to sit there and listen. I want you to stay in your place! Please!! Stay fat, LIKE ME!!!"

I also get the impression that if and when I get to be a "normal looking" weight she will be jealous and envious that I finally did what we've been talking about doing all these years: finally losing the weight. I will have been able to do something she'll likely never do successfully. Her laziness prevents her from doing it. So she falsely builds herself up by trying her hardest to knock me down. She feels so bad about herself that she feels threatened by my changes. Which she should actually be happy about.

NEWSFLASH: YOU CAN WASTE YOUR LIFE AS A FAT WOMAN, BUT I WONT. THE TIME FRAME YOU'LL ACTUALLY BE ABLE TO CALL ME FAT IS QUICKLY DIMINISHING. WHEN IT'S COMPLETELY GONE, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO THEN? AND WHO ARE YOU GOING TO CALL FAT? YOU WILL BE ALL ALONE IN YOUR FAT WORLD. IT IS MY HOPE THAT YOU'LL TAKE COMMAND OF YOUR HEALTH AND LOSE WEIGHT, LIKE ME.

Making Progress: Before/After #4

I can see that figure starting to take shape. It's looking good, V! I think I'm going to have a darn decent bod when I'm finished with this. As much as I hate being overweight and as much as I hate the time I lost, I am LOVING the process of losing it all. I LOVE IT! I'm amazed at these changes. I'm amazed when I can run faster and farther than I thought. I'm amazed when my pants are looser than I remember. I'm amazed that I'm the one making all of this happen. I am the change agent in this process. An amazing self-taught life lesson. Lucky me!

My "Fat" Story

Scale woes

My good friend Tom is in town this week, (Tom is "Time-of-the-month".) which means the scale will be creeping up over the next few days whether I want it to or not. My current weight is 225 lbs (some of it water weight) that's up 2 lbs from 2 days ago. I usually gain about 5 lbs during this time and lose the 5 lbs in the two days AFTER. Since the end of the year is drawing near, and hitting my goal is crucial to starting 2010 off right, I'm somewhat nervous about December.

I'm going to try something different with Tom this month. I'm going to resist the urge to eat not-so-clean food during those 5 days. I'm going to FORCE myself to drink at least 100oz of water daily and I'm going to EXERCISE LIKE A DEMON. I am determined to see the scale NOT go up in these 5 days, even though it's supposed to. In my way of thinking, which is so not scientific, if the scale doesn't go up as much as it usually does, then I will have an easier time dropping a significant amount of weight AFTER my cycle. Meaning, for example, if I drop a good 2 lbs of fat during my period, but the scale stays the same due to water weight, then not only will the scale read 5 lbs lighter from my highest "period" weight, but it will read 7 lbs lighter, due to the fat loss. I'll be a real bad ass if I lost 3 lbs of fat.

My goal was to be 222 lbs. As I said, it's 225 lbs. Thanks, nature. But, Nature, get ready to have your ass handed to you. You're about to be manipulated. I REFUSE TO LOSE.

Just floating through life wondering

If I'll ever have a boyfriend.

If I'll ever really know what it's like to cuddle.

If I'll ever get to my goal weight.

If I'm ever make real friends, not just computer ones.

If I'll be "acceptable" once I lose a certain amount of weight.

If people I know now will treat me differently once they deem me attractive.

If I'll ever get to see the world.

If I have the courage to really fight to the end.

If I'll ever feel sexy.

If there's someone who actually has me on their mind right now.

If crying as often as I do is normal.

If God really exists.

If I'll hurt my family by leaving them behind.

If I should have chosen a different major in college.

If I'll stop fearing rejection.

If I'll waste my life living in a box because i never did stop fearing rejection.

If my life adds value to the world.

If I'll ever talk to my Chris again.

If I'll stop living inside my head.

If this is just a phase.

If there are millions of people who feel as alone as I do.

If there's anyone reading this.