I was sitting on the backless bench in the magazine area of Barnes and Noble one day, reading quite a fascinating book, the Alchemist. Now if you know B and N, you'll know the magazine section carries a lot of foot traffic, but I'm usually content to sit on the bench and read my book(s) as people walk by or in front of me. I'm usually immersed in my book, thus not distracted.
But one day last week, I noticed a strange occurrence and I wondered if it has anything to do with my size. A younger white guy sat down on the bench where I was sitting, and it wasn't that he sat down, it was how he sat down. I always sit on the very end of the bench, about 5-6 feet in length, as to leave enough space for anyone else to sit. Well said white guy sat down not at the end, but at the VERY end of the bench and was noticeably, but slightly turned away from me. So I thought, "Hmph... that's strange. Well, maybe that's just how he likes to sit." I thought it was weird, but certainly no big deal So I kept reading... UNTIL THE NEXT DAMN GUY SAT DOWN!! I mean, not even 15 minutes after the last guy got up, here comes a second white guy, with his magazine in hand, sitting down as if the bench is covered in vomit and his ass found the only dry place on the very edge of the bench. He, too, was turned opposite me. Now I'm thinking, "This is one hell of a coincidence. Or it might be just me they don't want to sit next to."
When it happened the next day and the next day, and I realize that it was a different guy every time, I began to feel self-conscious. And then a little bit sad, because it's instances like these that remind me that to the majority of people, I am nothing but a package, a body, and if that package isn't pretty, I essentially am of little value. My tipping point came today, when this young couple sat down, first the guy, ALLLLLL the way at the opposite end of the bench, then the female, I presume to be his girlfriend. Now get this, there was a HUGE gap in the middle, but she took her ass to the opposite end around him and I heard her say, "scoot over" as if to say, "I don't want to sit in that gap there, because it's next to the fat black lady. I'd rather sit on the edge here, with my left ass cheek hanging off." He inched over, so both of them sat squished up at the end. I wanted to say, "I don't bite, you f*cktards!" I stood up and walked away instead.
I might be over reacting. I might all be on big coincidence that occurs on a near daily basis in bookstores around the world. It could be all in my head. I could be ultra sensitive. Those are all (unlikely) possibilities. But the feeling I get when people sit next to me is not one that gives me the "warm and fuzzies." It makes me resent public opinion and I feel... Undesirable. Somewhat freak show-ish even. What people think doesn't play a role in who I am or who I will ultimately become, but their inadvertent body language still hurts my ego.
I don't believe I'll be sitting on the magazine benches for a while.
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